Reverie: version 12, Aglow

July - 2006

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July 29, 2006 - Someone once told me that if you want something badly enough, the universe will answer. And I think the universe finally heard my plea for a job =) I was fortunate to get a job at Michael's without any prior experience, and one just for the summer. I'm working a register which can be complicated and things, but for the most part it isn't too bad. Plus, I'm getting paid (and broke college students can use what little income they can get).

But above all else, I'm happy that my parents' confidence in me has been restored. Their disappointment was worse than any yelling or arguing they could have given me. But I think it's a test of sorts - having to prove that you are capable of doing something independently and "supporting" yourself in a way. But it's understandable because parents worry, like anyone else. They want to know that their kids are going to be self sufficient.

And on an entirely different note, I have one amazing boyfriend.

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July 19, 2006 - New layout! This version features Natalie Portman (I just can't seem to get away from her - she's so lovely and has some gorgeous photoshoots), and the texture credits go to blitzgal =)

I'm feeling much better now. I think I was going into semi-panic mode by letting things overwhelm me. Life is full of uncertainties and it's wrapped in mystery, and I shouldn't worry about things that are beyond my grasp to control. I suppose acceptance is one of the hardest things to learn.

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July 14, 2006 - I feel like a failure. I'm 19 and jobless. I've tried, and I keep trying and nothing's coming through for me. I know a bunch of other kids who have managed, but somehow I just haven't been able to do it. My parents are diappointed, and I'm disappointed in myself. I feel like I should have been able to get my act together by now.

I sound like I have self esteem issues.

But really. It's beyond frustrating to know that you're not making any kind of progress whatsoever. For heaven's sake I don't even know what I"m going to do about my apartment next year or anything! It's all loose ends and nothing's certain. It makes you think that there's something wrong with you even though others tell you that you're perfectly fine and that everything's going to work out. If everything's supposed to work out and supposedly it will, why hasn't it yet!? I mean, how am I supposed to survive in this world if I can't manage a menial summer job? How am I supposed to be okay?

Now I sound like a cynical and emotionally unbalanced person. And now I'm crying.

It's hard when you're in that transitional stage. You try not to compare yourself to others but you can't help but do so. You figure you should be en par with everyone else and that you should be doing what most of them are - piecing their lives together. And all I have are a bunch of pieces that are beyond my reach. I can't find the glue, I don't know what I'm building, and all the while I see progress around me. The world stops for no one but sometimes you just want it to. It's a scary feeling. Actually, it's beyond scary. It's frightening to not know what's going to happen. It's like you need a constant yet no matter how hard you search for one, you can't find one. I feel so empty and drained - washed out. And you can't very well talk to people about it because they can't do anything to make it better or right. The sad thing is, whether or not they're subconsciously aware of it, in the back of their minds they're thinking, "I'm glad it isn't me." You don't want to be in that position.

I don't have a direction and I'm terrified.

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July 6, 2006 - Sometimes you just don't feel good enough. You feel inadequate, not quite what everyone wants you to be, and short of the mark.

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July 1, 2006 - The stars are such lovely things. Last night I went out for about 45 minutes and stargazed. And they never cease to amaze me.To think that these same points of light have been burning for years and years on end and have been watched by people just like me is kind of heartwarming. Although I haven't known any of those people is one thing, but to know that you share a connection by having seen the same things as them is something I find interesting.

Today we hosted an Indian family that knew my dad when he was going to school (one of them was one of his colleagues). They were supposed to come around 1:00 but of course, as Indian Standard Time would have it, they showed up at 6:30. I laughed =) It's just so ridiculously true! His colleague brought his daughter and her two children and my goodness...they were adorable. I'm not one for kids 90% of the time, but these were just darling...The little girl was so inquisitive about the world, and her brother was equally entertained by the small things. It reminded me of how simple life used to be at that age - only having to worry about when you were hungry, when you were gettting to sleep, and experiencing things like the beach for the first time. And to think that those things were what made life. Sometimes people forget those things, and like one of my friends said, "People need more color in their life. It's important." I think she meant that we need to appreciate those moments wherein we're not so driven by work or school. Just take the time to appreciate the brilliance of everything around you. You'd be amazed at what you see.

I think one of these days I'd like a little one =) I also think it's funny how my children are going to be either lighter or darker than I am.

Their visit (although it wasn't their intention) made me feel terrible in the academic sense. I was supposed to be studying law or engineering or pre-med but instead I"m majoring in psychology. And while they showed their "support" I felt awful - as if I had let them down somehow. They aren't my family, they aren't even close friends of mine, but all the while I didn't feel "good" enough in their eyes. It felt as if I was being judged indirectly for my decision. And the strange thing was, I felt the need to justify myself! I shouldn't have felt the need to explain it, yet I did! I felt like I had to provide reasons for what I'm doing...sigh. I don't understand myself sometimes.

Maybe the world doesn't need another psychologist. But at least I know I'll be happy in life. I could always be a starving artist (well, maybe not starving because one of my friends said she'd cook for me).