Reverie: version 12, Aglow

June - 2007

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June 25 - My eyes have changed...My left eye got worse, and so now I'm wearing the same Rx for both eyes. This'll save me on contacts! Yay! Plus, these ones are good for 30 days, as opposed to two weeks! I'm also really pleased that I got a pair of glasses because my other ones are MIA, and I never found them.

As a part of my summer indulgence, I've managed to get through Blade of Fortriu (book two of the Bridei chronicles), and I've started The Well of Shades. Both of these books are written by one of my favorite authors, Juliet Marillier, and I seriously have issues with putting them down. They're just that good, it's unbelieveable.

In the mean time, I'm looking for a job of sorts, so that I can actually afford to mess around, and change up my wardrobe. I'm really liking the whole belt-on-the-outside of your clothes look =)

I had a goal this week - and that was not to cry. Not cry about my situation, not cry over the friendships I'm losing, not cry over how well I've settled, not cry over starting at a new school. Again. Not cry over how I'll be having to live at home, not cry over any of it. So I got angry. I got angry at my parents because anger is easier to channel when you're upset. It's easier to pretend like you're brave and strong when you're not. It wasn't until the phone rang the first treacherous tear fell.

I hate myself for having cried. If anyone on this planet cries too much, it's me. And it needs to stop. I'm not 5 years old. Transitions happen, and life changes. Friends come and go, and so do people you love. Your heart gets broken, and you fix it. Somehow.

And now I can't stop. Now it's as if the stitches have been torn open and all I can do is feel. I'm tired of feeling. I wish I were as empty and emotionless as a stone. Cold on the outside, without any depth. And just be. I get overwhelmed. I hate that I do. I worry. I hate that too. And all of this is just too much. People tell me it's going to be okay, and I"ll be fine. Chances are they're right. One day I'll be with someone who won't be able to imagine life without me. And maybe all of this will have been worth it for that. I don't really know why I'm staying. It hurts too much. But in the back of my mind, there's a truth. It's a shining, small little part of me that knows I'm not it. And over time, one tries to drown out that small truth in hopes that it'll alter, and that you will be the end-all. That it's just a matter of time before the auditioner lets you in.

But these things don't work that way.

The strange thing is, I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to be so entirely perfect in every way.I wanted to be amazing. Profound. Mindblowing. Exquistely stunning in every way. Delicately feminine but strong at the same time, yet full of laughter and light, calm and focus.

Funny how that didn't matter.

For a reason unknown, our souls must know that there's a different plan. That there's someone else. That we're temporarily on a tangent which isn't our main course in life. But we ourselves don't know what that plan is. All we know, is that it didn't work, and we'll have to try again - always hoping.

June 18, 2007 - School's out...It feels weird to be done, and to think I might not be going back scares me so much. I fight for classes, have problems with registration, the traffic's awful, the city isn't very good or safe, and there's so many drawbacks.

It's the people though. They've made it. I couldn't ask for a better set.

And I may be leaving them.

It's terrifying. I keep fighting panic, and it's not as though there's only a few depressing thoughts in mind. There's uncertainly, and fear of failure / not being able to handle it, being in educational limbo, and everything else. My lungs start to close up, and I feel myself fighting for air. I should be excited. I should be really thrilled about the opportunity, and chance to make something of myself. But I'm not. Logically, I know nursing is a better field, but I'm deathly, deathly afraid of it.

This is where being emotionally empty would definitely help. I realize how emotionally invested I am with the people in my life, and I know it'll tear my heart out in the end.

I hope I get things straightened out, and solved. The problem is, a decision has to be made, and there's no time to make it. That part is the worst. The pressure. I can't think it over, and I can't really consider it. It's a "now or never" thing.

But, it's not as if college is forever. People split up. And things happen. It shouldn't be new to me. I've always had to leave people I care about. Why is this any different?

June 6, 2007 - I lied. I'm the farthest thing from okay.

June 5, 2007 - I'm fine. I'm okay. I'm still me. I still know how to breathe and expand my lungs and get through the day, even if I just have to focus on getting out of bed. If I can do that much, and go to class, and complete my assignments, then I've done something. If I can manage to make dinner, and keep my room fairly organized, I'm still okay. And if I can find a tiny bit of time to laugh and play then I know things are looking up.

Life isn't so bad. The pressure just builds at different intervals, and seems to be crushing. And yes, sometimes it's enough to put me into a bad phase, but that doesn't mean it stays, even though it feels like it will.

I came to a realization about a few things the other day, and I might need to make a few changes. Yes, they might be hard and horrible but perhaps they'll be for the best. I have my answers, and though they might not be the ones I had hoped for, I can still know and believe that one day, someone won't be able to restrain themselves from saying yes to me. My hope can go in that direction instead.

June 3, 2007- I like this layout a better than my last one, and it definitely came together better.

I'm feel like I'm going insane. My thoughts are scattered, I feel awful on the inside, and I just want the world to stop. I'm between fits of crying, and I don't know what I want anymore. I feel like I'm gambling with such a low chance of success. I don't recall ever feeling this negative or low. I want to sleep for a long, long time.

I might be transfering to another school, which means that I'll leave behind everything I know here. And that upsets me greatly. Just when things started getting comfortable, they're being uprooted and thrown into uncertainty. I'm scared.

I sound pathetic.

Maybe I'm getting worse than I already am. So much for wanting to shine.